How do I start loving myself?

Learning to love yourself isn’t a small thing. It’s one of the biggest—and bravest—steps toward living a life that feels truly yours.

So it’s no surprise that one of the most common questions I hear as a therapist is: "How do I start loving myself?"

Here’s a simple ABC to begin the journey:

A — Accept Start by accepting that self-love is something to learn, not something you’re meant to already know. If you’ve spent years putting yourself last or criticising yourself for having needs, of course this feels unfamiliar.

Growing up, you were likely told; "Be kind- Put others before yourself."

You were taught it was good to give to others but wrong to put yourself first.

It’s not selfish to care for yourself—it’s necessary. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to rest. It’s OK to treat yourself with compassion.

B — Be Understanding To love yourself, you need to know yourself. Start small:

• What’s my favourite bagel? • What kind of weather lifts me? • What colour do I actually love?

Then go deeper: • What’s something I wouldn’t change about myself? • What moment made me proud? • What do I value most in life?

Even if critical thoughts come up, that doesn’t make them true. Stay curious. Keep going.

Just like as you fall in love with another person, you want to know them, find out about what makes them tick, what makes them get up in the morning...

Learning to love yourself, calls you to fall deeply into knowing yourself, and to use what you find out about yourself to enhance your life. So if you find out your favourite bagel is cinnamon and raisin, buy cinnamon & raisin. Act with love to feel love.

C — Care for Yourself Self-care isn’t just spa days and bubble baths (though those are lovely). Real care starts with how you speak to yourself, how you move through your day, how you tend to your needs.

When your inner critic pipes up, try this: Imagine it’s a separate part of you. Sit it beside you and ask, “What do you need?” Then respond like you would to a friend—with kindness, not shame.

Slow down. Eat breakfast at the table. Walk gently. Breathe deeply. Move like you matter. Because you do.

Offer yourself all the things you wish other people would. So if you want a hug, hug yourself. Rub your own feet. Pat yourself on the back and speak reassuring words to yourself.

Let how you treat yourself be a signal to the world of how you wish to be treated. 

Loving yourself might not be easy as ABC—but it is possible. And every time you turn your love inward, even for a moment, you take a step toward self love.

Want love? Start by turning your own toward you.