"Stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm"
These words gets me, somewhere deep, deep down in my soul. I used to be the person using my body as the fuel to flame the fire to keep others from getting cold. What’s more I’d gladly offer myself up for this purpose, I didn’t even have to be asked. You may wonder why? Or perhaps, you too feel this deep, deep down inside you. The longing to make others ok, or atleast that’s what I told myself. Having been hurt, having felt out in the cold, I lived my life to save others from a similar hurt.
Inside I felt broken, an empty shell, not good enough and not worthy of others’ attention, care or love. I desperately wanted to be liked so I set out to prove that I was nice; that I was likeable. I wanted to be seen as a good person. I thought if I did good, then people would see me as good, that they’d want to be around me. It worked! Every time I did something for someone, I felt great seeing their response and their appreciation hit a sweet spot. I felt exhilarated by their gratitude and something inside me swelled but then subsided fast. It was like an addiction, every time I did something, I felt the drive to do more because somewhere deep inside it was good but it just didn’t feel enough.
Eventually, somewhere in the do- gooding and the volunteering and the rushing around showering kindness, somewhere in there it stopped feeling good. I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I was doing it for. People seemed to like me, but I couldn’t quite accept that they did, and I would get upset and cry into my wine glass about how I wasn’t really a good person and if others knew who I really was, they wouldn’t want to be around me. They wouldn’t like me.
Inside I felt like a monster. Not because I was, but because I’d spent so much time and energy on becoming what I thought other people wanted me to be, that I’d lost myself and was burnt out with it. I’d lost track of who I really was underneath the pain. Infact, no matter how much other people were convinced by me I just wasn’t convinced by myself. It didn’t matter how many people said I was nice or kind, I just didn’t believe it. Underneath the mask, I just saw the monster.
Truth is that pleasing other people didn’t please me and didn’t make me like me. It was time to change.
If this sounds like you and you want to take the next step and find out who you are underneath the pain, and why you keep throwing yourself into the fire, then get in touch.
Or look out for my new signature programme; A Good Enough Heart… Coming soon!
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